Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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