Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
