I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
