Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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