He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
