I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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