This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
