We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
