I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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