You can't motorboat a personality
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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