On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
