why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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