Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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