Your dad touched me again.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
