Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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