My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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