I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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