Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
