are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
