I feel great
I just peed on a car
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
