We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
