I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
