If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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