I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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