i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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