Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
