wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
