How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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