If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
