I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And then he peed in my hair
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