The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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