I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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