I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
