she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
