Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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