God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
