clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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