My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
