he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So here I am, sexting at work.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
