I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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