If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
