Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
