Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
