what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
