My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
