god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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