it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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