I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
