I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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