i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
