I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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