Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
