margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why do cheetos always look like penises
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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