Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
