tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
