My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
