if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Are we still banned from the library?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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