i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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