i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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